Adam Braunstein

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Top 5 worst quarterbacks this year

November 14, 2012

Despite the NFL's best efforts to make every quarterback throw for 5,000 yards and 40 touchdowns, some guys just aren't capable of taking advantage of the fact secondary players can't touch receivers without getting a penalty. This year so far, there have been several quarterbacks who make you scratch your head whether it be from their decision making or the fact that they actually get paid to play football. Forget the numbers, this is more about the eye test. If you see your favorite quarterback here, I don't care. He's played terrible this year, deal with it. In no particular order here are the worst quarterbacks of 2012.

5. Cam Newton- Jesus scuba diving christ. This guy is only a year removed from one of the most electrifying seasons in recent memory and he is already in need of a hug from like fifty different people, all of them psychiatrists. Watching Cam Newton this year has exposed all of the flaws that people thought would make him a risky number 1 pick last year. His accuracy is gone. He can't seem to find the psychotic Steve Smith wide open and running so fast that his death threats to opposing corners fail to register. His pocket presence is abysmal and the "swag" that everybody was all in on last year is now reminiscent of Carlton's from Fresh Prince of Bel air. Just youtube any of Cam Newton's post game interviews from this year. It's like watching someone who just bought a litter of puppies only to have a volcanic rock shoot out of the sky and obliterate them. Newton at the podium is consistently one ending of "Titanic" ending away from drowning the journalists in tears and in a league where the leader of every successful team is the quarterback, this is a cause for concern. If he does that superman celebration ever again, he should be cut immediately and be forced to reveal his true identity, which I'm positive is the singer Drake. I hate them equally, they must be the same, at least separated at birth. He's at least soft enough to be considered Canadian....okay I'm done.

4. Phillip Rivers- It doesn't even make any sense. A guy like this who was literally lighting up the league for 4,000 yards a year before 4,000 yards was as easy as beating a homeless guy in a health contest, shouldn't be this bad right? But then you look at what might've led to that run of success and it doesn't seem so strange that he's fallen off. He now has Ryan Mathews at running back, not much of a threat. In his best years, he had Ladanian Tomlinson. This let the play action pass game flourish in that offense and who'd he have to pass to? Only a bunch of 6'3 + receivers like Antonio Gates and Vincent Jackson who would time after time go up over defenders to catch the ball and in doing so covering the weakness in Rivers' game that I've seen for years. His arm. Maybe it's time for someone to realize that him throwing the ball like a woman throwing her baby out the window once she realized she gave birth to the devil, is something that needs to be evaluated. How I feel watching him try to throw the deep ball now is how I feel like watching a spanish soap opera. I can't understand it, there's always people screaming no, and by the end of it I feel bad for that guy named Antonio... Anyway the point is that now with an aging and injured Antonio Gates and Vincent Jackson on the Bucs, Rivers finds himself forced to make more plays than he's used to and apparently capable of. The best snapshot of his season would be last week against Tampa Bay. He rolls out to his right with absolutely nobody open. Instead of throwing the ball away, he throws a two yard pass nowhere conceivably close to anyone with a Charger uniform and the ball is intercepted for a touchdown. I think he's actually trying to get Norv Turner fired at this point because there's no explanation for this kind of erratic play other than the age of 31 being the absolute limit for his potential.

3. Matt Cassel- Has anybody made more out of his 15 minutes than this guy? After taking over the starting quarterback role for the Patriots in 2008 because of Brady's injury, Matt Cassel found himself a fat contract and a starting gig for the Kansas City Chiefs. Besides showing that just about anyone in the league can run the Pats' offense whose line gives you ten years to throw whenever you drop back(sorry Brady fans, you know it's true.) Cassel has gone on to prove he was worth not even half of what the Chiefs gave him. This year, he has been the model of how not to play quarterback. He holds onto the ball too long, takes sacks when he should throw it away, and has the pocket presence of a lobotomized penguin. Forget the fact that he was benched for the almighty Brady Quinn (or don't , up to you) and just look at the numbers. 6 touchdowns, 12 picks, god only knows how many fumbles, 1703 yards passing, and an abysmal Qb rating of 66.6. Watching this nervous puppy of a Qb drop back makes Houston era David Carr look like he could anticipate a rush. Some players in this league inspire confidence and other inspire hatred and evil. Cassel falls under the latter category. Ask yourself this. How bad do you have to be to be potentially dead on the field and have your HOME crowd cheering for said your injury and then have one gigantic effeminate o-lineman as literally the only one upset with that display? The answer is 1-7 bad and lead all quarterbacks in turnovers.

2. Blaine Gabbert- Nice pick Jacksonville. Really made a good choice picking a guy based on size and arm strength and literally nothing else. Remember the last quarterback to be taken on size and arm strength and nothing else? Jamarcus Russel, who is out of the league and so broke that he is most likely currently trying to sell his used toilet paper so he can afford a Mcdonalds dinner. Now Gabbert doesn't exactly have elite options to throw to, but that's no excuse for incredibly ineffective play he has displayed this year. With the entire Jacksonville fan base (three homeless women and an alligator) hoping he gets eaten by an actual Jaguar, I can't imagine it's too much fun to be Blaine this year. He actually has a positive touchdown to interception ratio but if you watch the games, these touchdowns are given up in the same way Lebron James would let a kid with cancer score on him ( he'd honestly probably block it in case someone was filming). He shows brief flashes of capability only to destroy it all with a throw that makes you think maybe Chad Henne could be the better option. Game after game this year he has shown the inability to lead his team to any sort of production and with Maurice Jones-Drew sidelined looking like Denzel Washington in training day, it's only a matter of time until he finds a way to include Gabbert in a drug scheme so he can try to have his latino gang member friends murder him.

1. This is a tough one, it really is. Do you go with Michael Vick? Who has become the human turnover machine with a vulnerability to injury that makes Greg Oden feel stable? Or do you go with Mark Sanchez? Who has played so pathetically this season that Pete Carroll is attempting to become a soothsayer after telling everyone Sanchez came out of college too early. Honestly, as much as I'm anti both Jets and Eagles, I have to go with....both. They share the title, congratulations men! You have given people in wheel chairs belief that they can fly, or at least play quarterback better than you. Lets examine both cases. With Mike Vick, he started the season with talk of " Dynasty" and team to beat and unless he was talking about his undefeated record in drowning pitbulls, he was sorely mistaken. It all started week one with the most pathetic last second win ever over Cleveland after throwing 4 interceptions. Anyone who knows anything about football realized at that time that this was not going to be a very good Vick this year and boy were they right. In my opinion, Vick has personified the word turnover this year so perfectly that they should actually rename turnover to Vick. " Man, did you see that Vick our Qb just threw? God he's terrible" and " If this guy Vick's the ball over one more time, I'm switching team." would be some the phrases that could be spoken about football in the future. Every game I watch the eagles and think " There is no way he's going to fumble again." and lo and behold, the ball comes flying out after life altering hit number 1,294,123. If his name wasn't Michael Vick and his contract didn't say 100 million on it, he would've been benched long ago for someone who resembles Napoleon Dynamite if he mated with Blaine Gabbert, Nick Foles.

    Now for Mark Sanchez. Everyone in the country could be licensed fortune tellers watching the preseason antics of the Jets unfold. Rex Ryan said they had their most talented team ever...uh.. who? Who was this talent you spoke of? Was it Steven Hill? who's hands are more unreliable than Kenny Britt saying he didn't do anything illegal last night? Or was it Sanchez, who you swore was ready to take the next step this year. He's taken the next step alright and that step is depression. How bad do you have to play that you are so pissed off after games that coming home to Eva Longoria can't cheer you up? Sanchize bad. In the few games this year that Jets won or even put up a decent fight in, Sanchez has shown the inability to make the clutch throw or the smart one for that matter. You'd think that becoming single again would free his mind and maybe let him play better but instead he has digressed even further into the Qb black hole he started spiraling into last year. 52 completion percentage, 70 Qb rating. These are the numbers that drive Jets fans insane. Mix this in with the fact that even in their wins, few and far between, Sanchez often fails to impress. Against the Colts, who i'll give you 10$ if you can name their starting secondary, he completed 11 of 18 for 82 yards...82...let that sink in. Give the job to Tebow already, seriously, he can throw two yard outs with the best of em. The fact they didn't even consider drafting a quarterback this year is so unbelievably stupid and it's just been amplified by the fact that this man simply can't play the position. He is absolutely terrified of the word pocket and when he decides to escape it 5 seconds too late usually, he resembles all of the bad plays Tony Romo has ever made. That's what Sanchez is, he's a poor man's Tony Romo who already is a broke man's Brett Favre. So you take broke + poor and that equals....what Sanchez is going to be in 5 years after the league realizes he's garbage and theirs no job in the real world that lets him capitalize on his degree of banging hot blondes at USC.

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